Dolphins in SeaWorld Bali have chlorinated pools

This was on a list of reasons my grown child wrote as reasons she can’t sleep at night.  And I can’t reassure her that it’s ok, because I don’t know how it affects those poor dolphins who are held captive for our amusement.  Lord, how many screwed up things we have left our next generation to contend with. I try to tell her to focus on her immediate  arena of influence, and stay in the realm of what she can affect now.

It doesn’t help her. Her interest and passion and concern are way bigger than mother’s murmured “it’s all ok for now.”  I’ve learned how to turn down the volume on such issues, but she has to find her own switch. And maybe she won’t be lucky enough to have one. Passionate people who are compassionate are becoming far too few.

A post today on social showing a package of bacon on top of the halal section of the supermarket, and I’m surprised that all the responses are ” what a great idea, lol” .  I’m horrified by people who’ve helped me, been there for me, and are unashamed at such a thing.  Enough!  I can’t turn down that one.

doctors tomorrow, not much either of us can do, dog’s visit to vet proved that she’s old, arthritic and has a heart murmur. A request for an idea for an artists rendering of a cover for a original bit of rock and roll, I’m interested and inspired now. And this was going to be about how I found “the right pair” of Beatle boots. As my adopted countrymen say ” it’s all good, mate”.  Is it?

i guess I tell myself it’s alright for now

Really? Beatle boots?

Priorities get very strange as I continue to try to deal with my situation. Quit waiting for it all to make some kind of sense, and start making things happen. There’s the practical bit, need copies of Do not resuscitate with everyone, and give power of attorney over. The need to know list is good at 3 as I am today.

But then I went straight to the bucket list. Were there bucket lists before jack Nicholson and Morgan freeman?

I lost sight of the things I can do to vastly improve living my daily life, and hopefully have a positive effect on those around me.  I can start smiling at people, I’ll get some back. I can add some variety to the things I normally do, I can pull all my art supplies out to stay, and let loose on trying to control the result.  I can choose to live a passionate, animated lifestyle instead of my laid back, wait for something style, that I’ve worn so long.  I forget I’ve got to make it happen, gotta start, it’s my responsibility to make changes, take risks, change myself. And I need to refocus everyday, because it’s so different, but it’s what I desperately want. I still want to look as good as I can so I feel good when I look in the mirror.

And I’m keeping my bucket list, which right now is @4.5 items.  Here they are in order of importance:

I am going to do the following.

1. Keep my private health cover,  2.  Spend enough to make our remaining Christmases together our kind of Christmas.   Those 2 are very practical, important, but would have changed if I hadn’t done something.  So I’m going to start at version 1.1

1⃣Find and buy a pair of good quality Chelsea boots, the Cuban heel has to be exactly the right height and colour and shape, as does the toe shape.2⃣A pair of low cut black suede Converse with white soles and laces.3⃣Take my kids on a trip to someplace in Europe where we can tromp around castle ruins, see ancient architecture, and view Renaissance artwork with our own eyes.  This one is the .5 because my kids are adults, have vastly different interests, and would probably find exploring pubs at the top of their priorities. If they were interested at all.  Plus, in my mind all that walking about is magically made easy again, despite the fact that walking up a flight of stairs leaves me out of breath.

last minute add on, get some attractive, appropriate clothes, so I’m not forever walking around in jeans that I have to hold up with one hand, because I’m down a couple of dress sizes.

I’m going down, but not with out a laugh and lots of art.

Guess what happened to me last night? I fell flat on my back without warning. Got dizzy, do if I stand up quickly, and just fell straight back as I walked, like I’d been shoved by a linebacker.  I keep it to myself, don’t call out, don’t want to freak anyone out, and hoped  I would be able to get back up after while. I was able and so I did.  Maybe they should have warned me that that could happen, or maybe they didn’t know. The docs, I mean.

Was asked if I want it quantified, stratisphied, get the blow by blow results of ct scans, breathing capacity tests and had such a WTFF gut reaction, it surprised me. Can’t be stopped or slowed, just symptom alleviation. Focus on that and I’d be out of the game now, worrying. So I have pretty good stretches and really bad stretches, and I’ll take it as it comes until I can’t take no more.

so here begins the story of my journey to the end. Right now I’m giving equal time to planning out the hard decisions and distracting myself  so my brain doesn’t implode.  Here is the sustagen, here’s the inhaler and prednisone. Here’s my trusty anxiety attack preventative, and now back on the painkillers. They don’t actually help the breathing when it’s laboured, they help with the perception of struggling for breath.

So when he asked me why I didn’t put the laundry in the dryer, I told him I forgot, because I was in the self distraction side of the cycle of thought. I haven’t really explained the condition my condition is in, but with my gp and the closest friend I’ve got who wouldn’t get flustered or dismayed or fall all over about how sorry he is that it’s happening. But when he said my not forwarding the laundry was my passive aggressive bs, I said in my brightest voice, “guess what happened to me last night?” . Now that’s passive aggressive.

So I do paint, I spend a lot more time admiring other artists work than working on my own. if I can figure out how to, I’ll share the quirky, odd, bizarre and amusing images I love to look at and occasionally produce. And things that make me laugh.  That’s how this old hippie chick on the brink plans to spend a lot of time I have left. Haven’t decided if I want to share the harder painful part of the darkening path in this forum, or is it a vacuum ?   I have no notion of what a blog is or should be, it’s just a carthartic way for my to deal and work through how to process what’s happening. I don’t need to decide who needs to know how much when yet.

Past daybreak again, try gettin some sleep.